Vince cable today announced that due to necessary budget cuts the speed of light, the universal and unchanging constant of the universe, is to be changed to 224844343.5 m/s in line with departmental cuts of 25%.
Setting out the future of science policy in the UK, Granddad Cable also added a ban on Deuterium as being ‘an inefficient and wasteful’ use of valuable taxpayers neutrons in the age of austerity, and made clear that British Science will have to ‘just make do’ with normal Hydrogen.
Prof. Armpatch of the Institute of Studies decried the impact of spending cuts on Britain’s ability to innovate and compete on a Global basis, adding “with 1% of the world population, Britain produces 8% of the worlds science papers producing 12% of citations, but I guess that will all change if we have to make do with pi being reset to 2.35619 while the Yanks get to keep theirs at 3.14159”.
Before nodding off for a nice afternoon nap, Cable also made it clear that other non-economic science was potentially in the firing line that he could replace the Noble Gases with a more democratic group of elements “committed to delivering a more equal society”.
The only group happy with the announcement was the Homeopathic Institute who were looking forward to the increasing effectiveness of their studies by reducing the amount of work actually done, meaning that the 25% cuts should increase the efficacy of their claptrap bullshit at least four times over
//inspired by the daily mash//
